The Civilized Person’s Satirical Guide to Polite Encounters with Former DEI Officers and Other Progressives
A refined guide to dodging dogma while progressives detox from Social Justice brainwashing
Ah, the modern social landscape! Once upon a time, polite society required us to navigate the occasional dinner guest who chewed with their mouth open or the neighbor who always “borrowed” your chainsaw after having house guests.
Today, we face a new challenge: how to interact graciously with all those recently defunded Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) enforcers and their ideological compatriots.
If you find yourself unexpectedly engaged in conversation with someone who once tried to implement a mandatory Land Acknowledgment for the company break room, fear not! This guide will ensure you remain courteous, composed, and—most importantly—amusingly unflappable.
1. The Greeting: Establishing a Non-Threatening Presence
When encountering a former DEI officer in the wild (e.g., bagging your groceries at Whole Foods or getting a free vegetarian meal with the Hare Krishnas), be sure to open with an inclusive greeting such as:
“Hello, fellow human of undefined and ever-shifting social status”
“I see you, I affirm you, and I acknowledge your lived experience, whatever it may be this week.”
“Greetings, brave survivor of the systemic forces you once governed.”
This will ease them into a sense of safety, much like whispering to a skittish honey badger.
2. Navigating Conversation Traps
Casual discussions can quickly turn into ideological landmines. Here’s how to sidestep common pitfalls:
🗨️ If they say: “We need to decolonize mental health!”
✅ Respond with: “Fantastic! Let’s start by throwing out Freud and using medieval humorism instead. What’s your dominant bile today?”
🗨️ If they say: “I just don’t feel safe around certain viewpoints.”
✅ Respond with: “Yes, ideas can be dangerous. Why, just last week, I nearly run down by a group advocating for putting carpet over hardwood!”
🗨️ If they say: “You should use more inclusive language.”
✅ Respond with: “Oh, absolutely! I strive to keep everything inclusive, that’s why I’m live-streaming this. Hey, a questioner from Pitcairn Island wants to know if you’re sex-positive with an Only Fans?”
3. The Art of Disengagement
Inevitably, you may need to exit a spiraling conversation before being guilted into a seminar on intersectional ghost hunting. Try these tactful escapes:
🏃 The Polite Misdirection: “That’s fascinating! I’d love to hear more, but I left a sourdough starter alone for too long, and it may have unionized in my kitchen. Can’t have my Kitchen Aid demanding more counter space.”
📵 The Technological Buffer: Casually glance at your phone and exclaim, “Oh dear, my carbon footprint tracker just alerted me! I’ve exceeded my monthly allowance. I have to drive home in reverse immediately!”
🎭 Feign Cultural Relevance: “I hear your concerns, and I’d love to process them fully, but I’m currently on a spiritual journey of deconstructing my own privilege through interpretive dance. Toodles!”
4. Dining Etiquette: Surviving the Progressive Dinner Party
If you find yourself seated next to someone who once worked in HR enforcing corporate struggle sessions, remain calm and follow these simple rules:
🍽️ Blessing the Meal: Should a moment of silence be requested before eating, avoid controversy by whispering, “May this meal nourish our bodies as we dismantle oppressive food hierarchies by feeding lion meat to Venus fly-traps.”
🍷 When Offered Plant-Based Wine: Accept graciously and murmur, “Delightful! I was just thinking the other day how normal grapes are far too privileged.”
🥗 Navigating Dietary Preferences: If the table discussion turns to the oppression inherent in dairy, simply nod and say, “Yes, I too have long suspected that the aged brie harbors colonial tendencies.”
5. Exiting Gracefully
Should the gathering become too performative, you may wish to make a swift but elegant departure. Some refined methods include:
🚗 Feigning Urgent Activism: “I must go—I’m late for my mandatory redistribution of inherited coffee mugs.”
📖 Quoting Progressive Scripture: “As Audre Lorde probably once said, ‘One must know when to exit a space before it becomes a panel discussion.’”
🎩 Deploying Old-World Charm: Simply stand, nod sagely, and declare, “I must now retreat to my personal safe space, and recharge my emotional balance with some primal screaming therapy.’”
Conclusion
With the right approach, even the most ideologically fraught interaction can be handled with grace, humor, and a touch of aristocratic detachment. The key is to remain unfazed, unbothered, and—most importantly—deeply entertained by the entire affair.
Now, go forth, and remember: true etiquette is about making others feel comfortable, even when they are entirely insufferable. 🫖✨
Housekeeping
So, as some of you know, on Saturday, instead of scheduling my post for Monday, I hit the publish button instead. Lordy. I put up a Note about it in the hope that it would prevent some confusion, and I unpublished the post until its regular time on Monday.
I thought consistency was important, or at least that’s what people keep telling me. In any case, I thought that this might be a great time to ask what is important to you! My subscribers! It also allowed me to try out the handy dandy poll feature. So what do you think? Keep a post published by mistake early active and just roll with what fate has decided, or unpublish the post, conferring an early access benefit to subscribers!?
While I’m asking you lovely people (seriously, I have the best readers) about what makes you happy and keeps your life moving along swimmingly, how often do you like getting email from Diogenes In Exile? And if you don’t see your best answer in these choices, drop your preferences in the comments.
Maybe it’s a good idea to revisit this question periodically in the future.
On the Bookshelf
Hey, guess what? I read a thing! On paper even! I just haven’t finished it, so it’s still the same two books from last year. You can laugh now.
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About
Diogenes in Exile began after I returned to grad school to pursue a Clinical Mental Health Counseling master’s degree at the University of Tennessee. What I encountered, however, was a program deeply entrenched in Critical Theories ideology. During my time there, I experienced significant resistance, particularly for my Buddhist practice, which was labeled as invalidating to other identities. After careful reflection, I chose to leave the program, believing the curriculum being taught would ultimately harm clients and lead to unethical practices in the field.
Since then, I’ve dedicated myself to investigating, writing, and speaking out about the troubling direction of psychology, higher education, and other institutions that seem to have lost their way. When I’m not working on these issues, you’ll find me in the garden, creating art, walking my dog, or guiding my kids toward adulthood.
You can also find my work at Minding the Campus