Breaking Up with Accreditors: A Satirical Contract for Academic Freedom
When accreditors go low, we go legal
What if accreditors were directly accountable to the people their standards impacted the most, students? It would be so much easier to have a proper breakup, that’s for sure.
Sadly, college accreditors are not accountable to anyone. They are even shielded from lawsuits, and it will take legislative action to make even modest reforms to their aggressive overreach.
That will be no easy task. Getting people to agree on something is hard enough, you try getting people excited to a point they’ll write their lawmakers about an issue as arcane as accreditation law, even when some standards require so much racist DEI curriculum, there’s little time to teach the subject matter. (Hint hint!)
Fortunately, fiction is always there to provide space for an amusing tangent.
Imagine, this could be worked out the real American Way, with a legal contract! Now, for your entertainment, a proposed truce agreement with no legal authority! (The following is not a legal document!)
Contractual Agreement Between Students and College Accreditors
(Because Higher Education Shouldn't be a Vegas Roulette Wheel Where the House Always Wins)
This AGREEMENT is entered into on this day of __immediately__, between Students (hereinafter referred to as “The Trepidatious and Hopefully Homeowning Future”) and College Accreditors (hereinafter referred to as “The Gatekeepers of Wealth and Opportunity. Imposers of Arbitrary Standards”), collectively referred to as “The Recovering Parasitic Relationship.”
WHEREAS the Trepidatious and Hopefully Homeowning Future seeks a reasonably priced education unburdened by nonsense;
AND WHEREAS the Gatekeepers of Wealth and Opportunity. Imposers of Arbitrary Standards have been acting like unregulated Monopoly bankers;
THEREFORE, the Recovering Parasitic Relationship agrees to the following terms:
SECTION 1: THINGS ACCREDITORS MUST STOP IMMEDIATELY
Stop Mushrooming
Accreditors shall refrain from adding new bodies to their ranks. If it can’t be covered by the existing 19 university-wide Imposers of Arbitrary Standards, or the 63 program-specific accrediting bodies, each charging universities separately, double dipping for sub-specialties, and adding to the exorbitant cost of tuition, maybe we don’t need it.No More Ideological Gatekeeping
Students’ personal beliefs shall not affect their academic evaluation. This isn’t Hogwarts, and no Sorting Hat is needed. And nobody likes taking a vacation at Lake Laogai either. “Re-education” camp must stop. Period.Cease Being Big Brother
Stop calling for universities to monitor and evaluate students on “intangibles” like their thoughts, feelings, or whether they smile in the hallway. You can’t make requirements for ‘dispositions’. Students are not reality show contestants.End Indoctrination by Textbooks
Requiring mandatory textbooks that reduce individuals to a list of immutable characteristics shall cease. The blind cis Asian mother called up. She doesn’t want to talk about her body of color, internalized whiteness, or chestfeeding her newborn anymore.No More Rubber-Stamping Dysfunction
Programs that don’t meet standards should lose accreditation. Yes, even if it means you take a pay cut. Yeah, we heard that universities pay you on the regular for the privilege of your gold star. Isn’t that a conflict of interest?Ban ‘Fail Despite Passing’ Policies
If a student meets the academic requirements, they pass. Period. No secret handshake or “intangibles” clause required. Seriously, how is it even legal to require students to embody certain ‘dispositions’ or adopt a ‘professional identity’? Can you even provide concrete definitions of what those terms would look like when a person was in compliance?Stop Knowingly Breaking State Law
Accreditors shall stop requiring standards that break state law. Should I just say that a few more times? What am I missing here? Why do I have to say this?No More Mandatory Advocacy
Students shall not be required to participate in political activism or “advocacy” as part of their training. Therapy ≠ Marching Band.Cease the Buzzword Bingo
Accreditors shall limit usage of terms like "social justice," "micro-aggressions," "cultural identities," and “multigenerational trauma” to one per 100,000,000 pages of accreditation guidelines.Put Down the DEI Kool-Aid
Accreditors shall focus on fostering genuine subject mastery and cease mandating ideology or creating hostile echo chambers.
SECTION 2: FIVE THINGS THE ACCREDITORS MUST DO
Transparent Standards
Publish accreditation criteria in plain language so everyone, even that one sleep-deprived law student, can understand.Prioritize Student Outcomes
Focus on meaningful outcomes, like student employment rates in field, drop-out rates, and student debt-to-income ratios, rather than compliance with convoluted benchmarks.Independent Reviews
Conduct regular, independent evaluations of accrediting bodies by average working Americans to ensure accountability. Think of it as an annual "Are We the Baddies?" meeting.Appeals Process for Students
Establish a transparent and accessible appeals process for students who believe accreditation decisions unfairly impacted their education. Bonus points if it is independently adjudicated and doesn't require 15 forms and a sacrificial goat.Support Academic Freedom
Guarantee that professors and students alike can explore diverse perspectives without fear of reprisal. (Yes, even opinions you find super icky.)
SECTION 3: ENFORCEMENT AND REMEDIES
Failure by the Accreditors to adhere to this agreement will result in students collectively enrolling in a YouTube tutorial empire, Udemy, Skillshare, work apprenticeships, or Trade school instead of traditional programs.
Violations of these terms may also lead to meme warfare, viral TikTok exposés, or, worse, the unleashing of angry parents armed with PTA experience.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the Recovering Parasitic Relationship hereto agrees to these terms as if the future of traditional higher ed depends on it.
Signed,
The Students ___Hopefully future homeowners and parents_____
The Accreditors ___Regretful petty dictators recovering from a disastrous bender___
Let this contract serve as a reminder: education should light a fire of knowledge, not burn wallets, bridges, and sanity.
Still not legally binding…sigh.
Housekeeping
It is officially into the second week in January, and I have already noticed the expected change in the sunlight, the brightness is glorious! It has also been right at annoying cold for the last week. Cold enough to freeze things, warm enough that there is moisture in the air, making it feel colder.
I’m not complaining, though; my pipes are safe enough at these temps, and the snap of the cold makes it easier to sleep through the night. It is gratitude for the upside that takes the edge off.
I have two days of work left on my textbook study, and then it will be time to figure out how to get attention to the problems in counseling accreditation. I’ve been thinking about buying a bullhorn. 😂 Too much?
On the Bookshelf
Embarrassment. That’s what’s on my bookshelf. Embarrassment. And vile textbooks, but I must admit, I did that one to myself.
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About
Diogenes in Exile began after I returned to grad school to pursue a Clinical Mental Health Counseling master’s degree at the University of Tennessee. What I encountered, however, was a program deeply entrenched in Critical Theories ideology. During my time there, I experienced significant resistance, particularly for my Buddhist practice, which was labeled as invalidating to other identities. After careful reflection, I chose to leave the program, believing the curriculum being taught would ultimately harm clients and lead to unethical practices in the field.
Since then, I’ve dedicated myself to investigating, writing, and speaking out about the troubling direction of psychology, higher education, and other institutions that seem to have lost their way. When I’m not working on these issues, you’ll find me in the garden, creating art, walking my dog, or guiding my kids toward adulthood.
You can also find my work at Minding the Campus