Beyond the Polls: Why Our Country Needs Listening, Not Arguing
Beyond the Polls: Why Our Country Needs Listening, Not Arguing
How better listening could be the first step toward a stronger, united nation.
A week ago was filled with tense anticipation. Then there was an election that rippled through the country like an earthquake, and now the U.S. is grappling with the aftershocks. There will be a new administration come January, and it will bring some changes, but for the vast majority of us, our lives will carry on much as they were.
We’ll still take out the trash, fold the laundry, and greet our neighbors. Life goes on, but it’s clear that if we’re going to move forward, it’s going to take something we’ve been missing: true dialogue and cooperation.
The final run-up revealed a very ugly side to the group that has made so much hay claiming to be anti-racist, anti-fascist, and on, “the right side of history.” Here is a short list of some of their most brazen manipulations and abuses:
Calling out the right to free speech as a problem
The intentional misdirection about Biden’s mental fitness
Secretly running the country because Biden obviously couldn’t
The behind-the-curtain coup
Subverting voter’s agency by picking a candidate behind closed doors
Obama’s open shaming of black men to garner votes
Calling voters “garbage, racists, fascists, and nazis”
Blaming voters for the Harris campaign failure
The sign above (at a church no less)
If you voted for Harris and are baffled that the rest of the country could vote for someone you can see is obviously a nazi, the above reasons are a taste of what the other side (which is also not perfect) has been noticing.
To make matters worse, there has yet to be an indication that the progressive leadership is reflecting on what has brought them here with a historic drubbing. These are still early days, so perhaps it will come with some time, but it’s fair to say we have a communal communication problem, at a minimum.
Despite this, we have the chance to push past the rhetoric. Division might be profitable for some, but it’s damaging for all of us. And if we’re going to bridge the gap, we’ll need to understand each other’s motivations, fears, and frustrations. We need to listen.
While the shock and anger slows to a simmer and hopefully settles, the challenge that lies before us is healing the divide that identity politics has created. A lot will depend on education reform.
If the next four years pass with teachers continuing to indoctrinate students from Kindergarten to Counseling grad school, our future will likely include a resurgence of the DEI dominance we’ve seen the last decade or so. That’s bad for everyone.
To forestall that outcome, we need to find new ways to communicate amongst ourselves. The more we buy into the idea that the voters on the other side are supporting evil, be they liberal or conservative, the easier we are to control.
To that end,, I move that we make an effort to up our listening game. Specifically by learning the practice of listening for what’s beneath the words.
Like our divided country, each of us has sides to our personalities that are hidden even from ourselves. We can come to know these hidden parts in conversation with another who listens for the feelings, motives, and beliefs that underlie our words and then reflects them back to us without judgment. This is how therapy works.
Unfortunately, right now, psychology and counseling are pushing Social Justice identity-based thinking hard. That’s the destabilizing ideology that got us here. So we can’t look to most of them for help. Just the opposite.
But we can all learn the skills of better listening and reflecting and start helping ourselves.
So next time you are having a conversation, how about trying this? See if you can identify what the person is feeling and thinking. It might go something like this:
Person 1: I can’t believe that Trump won! The country is going to hell. The world is going to burn.
Person 2: That rough, you sound pretty distraught, angry, and … despairing even.
Person 1: You bet I’m angry. I’m so angry I’m depressed. What future can we have when Trump is bringing back rape culture? There was a woman last week who died of sepsis because she couldn’t get an abortion!
Person 2: So, you’re thinking that because Trump is president, men will think it’s ok to rape women, and women will die because abortions are illegal in some states. That makes you scared.
Person 1: Yes.
This skill is harder than it looks. You have to withhold judgment, and the conversation would have to continue for quite a bit for this person 1’s rather extreme emotional state to ease to the point they could question their assumptions.
But that’s how it works. Generally speaking, the more someone feels heard, the more they can calm down. And the more calm they become, the more they are open to hearing the faulty assumptions that underlie their thoughts.
What is most encouraging is this style of listening can be learned, and you can get better at it with practice. Not only would more of this kind of listening help us reach each other across the political divide, but this kind of listening can make almost all your relationships better.
We humans crave the feeling of being heard. This kind of listening satisfies that need. You don’t need to take my word for that, you can see it in action in this video with FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss.
This has been a tough election year, and those in power have brutally manipulated people into fearing and hating each other. The vote is history. While the politicians and media throw mud at each other, we are left here doing our laundry and going back to work. But if we want, we can act on our own and start healing this country. It could be as simple as having a conversation with our neighbor and listening until they feel heard.
Housekeeping
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I trust everyone is doing well, and I’m glad you’re here. If you are in a low or angry place, it can get better.
Til next week…Be fierce in truth and gentle in humanity.
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About
Diogenes in Exile began after I returned to grad school to pursue a Clinical Mental Health Counseling master’s degree at the University of Tennessee. What I encountered, however, was a program deeply entrenched in Critical Theories ideology. During my time there, I experienced significant resistance, particularly for my Buddhist practice, which was labeled as invalidating to other identities. After careful reflection, I chose to leave the program, believing the curriculum being taught would ultimately harm clients and lead to unethical practices in the field.
Since then, I’ve dedicated myself to investigating, writing, and speaking out about the troubling direction of psychology, higher education, and other institutions that seem to have lost their way. When I’m not working on these issues, you’ll find me in the garden, creating art, walking my dog, or guiding my kids toward adulthood.
You can also find my work at Minding the Campus